Finally! I'm done with Prelims! Although I'm guessing the results will be total crap, I still think I deserve a rest. For at least 2 days.

But, yesteday...I really went off the hook. No I didn't go crazy...I went really angry. And I only vaguely know the reason why. When I wanted to meet my friend without arranging to, and when I did see her, but didn't dare to approach her...my god I went really mad at myself. To the extent that I smsed her "You have totally no idea how angry I am right now, that if I see you, I'll probably strangle you until you're dead, then laugh madly." And I seriously meant what I said. Luckily she didn't pop up in front of me though!

I think I've really been cooping up my real feelings inside, that's why. So much so until yesterday I couldn't stand it anymore, I couldn't stand myself being such a polite, good girl, I just let loose all my true feelings. I may have cooled down a bit, but it still hasn't worn off yet. That murderous intent. So, minna-san, don't you dare provoke me with questions. And yesterday too I've resolved to totally get rid of some people in my life. 'Cos I realised I can't stand them anymore. In fact I HATE them. So I'm not gonna have anyting to do with them anymore. Serve them right for not respecting my wishes and decisions, always finding fault with the way I think. Boo.

So, today I'm blogging so early 'cos I intend to sleep a bit later then go to Orchard to do some shopping. My dad'll come home today, so I better finish using the comp soon...

And I'm still thinking about cosplaying as Tetsu!

Oh my...just now was malay paper huh? Got a bit of trouble at certain parts...but I guess I was able to pull through decently! No blank answers! (Actually that'll never happen for Mother Tongue...haha!!)

I went to Parkway immediately after the paperended at 0930hrs today...and...my goodness...it was SO empty! Shops barely open...so I ate chips at Pacific Coffee...walk around MPH..look at kitchen taps and TV-hifi storage sets --oh ya by the way I want to single-handedly revmap my house after the Os! Gonna re-plaster the wall, paint it, get new furniture, fix electrical/plumbage problems, do spring cleaning...lots of things! I can't wait!

Oh and I visited the optometrist as well...and my degree is the same as the last time I checked. 50 degrees. But I'm already VERY irritated and annoyed and frustrated with my deteriorating eyesight...I hope my mom won't mind getting me a pair of specs for my birthday! Onegai!!!

Okie okie...me don't wanna spend too much time in front of the computer! Bye!!

Yah I was thinking about this in the school canteen just now in between my Maths and Lit papers. I was feeling down...for no apparent reason. Furthermore I was in Cloud Nine yesterday because I felt that I've done my best and well enough for my own standards for the History Elective paper. But today...

Okay. At 1st I was thinking about how I just LOVE ambiguous relationships. Like, you never said you loved that person, neither has that person ever declared to you, but both of you behave as if you're the best of all couples. Because outwardly you show to each other that you don't really like the other person, but at the same time you know that display of 'contempt' is really actually is display of concern. Both of you know that. But never ever once admitted to it. To yourself nor to the other person nor to anyone else.
That's the kind of 'paradoxic' (is there such a word?) relationships that I love. So ambiguous. Even you're not sure what's your relationship with that other person. Then I realized I HATE paradoxia because I don't even feel confused as I should be due to these clashes of the same things, inversely I feel nothing at all. NOTHING. And I hate feeling nothing. It makes me feel like I'm not a human, because I don't feel anything. 'Feeling-less'. Even animals have feelings. If I don't have feelings, what am I? I don't know. So I hate paradoxia.

But I still love it.

Oh...*sigh* I dunno. Okay.

And there's the other thing about wanting but not getting. Refusing but getting. WHAT CRAP IS THAT you may ask, but I'm referring to things that glamourous, friends-loaded, attention-attracting people like you won't understand. When I want to be with someone, to get some comfort when I need it, NO ONE is ever available for me to borrow their shoulder. Even if there are people...they don't understand me. I just can't seem to be able to get them to understand my plight. Then I'll get even more distraught than before.

But when I want to be alone, I want to reflect about myself, I want to think about how much of an idiot I am, people come swarming to me. "Are you ok?", "You want me to stay with you for a while?" keeps popping up on me from these people. But I don't want them. If I really am feeling strongly upset, I'll scream at them to go away. If I'm just confused, I don't wish to chase them off, I don't dare, 'cos I know I'm younger than them, and so they sit by me. Even when I don't want it.

But DEEP inside...actually...I want them. ALL of them. To be around. As my friends. But hey...again, they don't understand, and they don't have the time.

Nevermind. I'm sitting next to a weirdo who just said she wants to go home and study Physics, and die with Physics (you guys go guess who's that person). But anyway, I'm thinking...nobody reads my blog, right? So I'm talking to myself. Like, why would anybody want to read my blog? They only come here because they want to ask/tell me stuff on the TagBoard. But I doubt ANYBODY ever read my posts. Pity. There's some really good ones, like the Shindo-sensei story...but, aiyoh, face it la, I'm a loser, nobody cares about me, and I blog to myself. No one reads it. Yah.

Okay. I've just finished Malay Paper 1. I'm not trying to be smarty-pants, but I think the paper was quite easy. I actually had the formats for letter writing all in my head already! So the Section A was easy. I got my ideas for "problems faced by teenagers" from the Malay documentary series "Hanyut". Luckily I watched it. Helped me a lot for this paper.

Then there's Section B (duh, after A, there's always a B). I picked the narrative. Didn't dare to take risks like my O Level paper in May. I just remembered that the Pulau Ubin map that we were provided with during OBS doesn't include a small part of the left side. So my story was that my kayaking partner and I decided to go along with an "adventure plan" of our friends' to kayak the shorter way to the campsite during the Sea Expedition, which meant escaping from our watch groups and going by the un-mapped route. There's a storm...(a heavy rainfall + high-tide really happened that time) and Hasnah decided to take off her life vest because she wanted to drench herself in rain and sea water. Her kayak partner was Yi Wei. Their kayak suddenly overturned in the storm, and Yi Wei resurfaced quickly, but Hasnah was very far away from us by the time we caught sight of her. She started shouting for help, clambering in the water...then we couldn't see her anymore. We didn't know if she died. But that's how I ended my compo. I wonder if I'll be penalized for leaving a 'hanging' ending, and for not counting the number of words.

Oh well. I'm now in the school library. Supposed to study and finish studying History by today...Physics and History papers tomorrow. I'll go home late today, 'cos my dad'll be home and he'll ask me all kinds of stuff about the DVD-RW and yadayada. So yah. I MUST FINISH HISTORY!!!

While I'm typing this 'relaxedly', my pals are seated in the hall waiting to take the hell paper of their lives --- Add Maths. I dropped subject that middle of Term 2 'cos the school kept bugging me to. Well I guess it actually helps 'cos I have one less subject to worry about passing. Hee!

Wahahahaha!!! Today'll be the first episode of Pride aired on Channel U!!! I won't really be watching it though; gotta study right? I catch bits of the story a bit lah...while having dinner...

My pen-pal from the US, Faith, would be coming to Singapore end of this year!!! Isn't that great? I'll get to be her tourguide! Bring her to places...waaah I can't wait!!!

Okie...I finally figured out why I don't have the motivation to study...it's because I don't have any thing, any reward to look forward to at the end of all the exams. No trip to anywhere,no gifts...nothing. That's why I don't feel like studying. Sheesh.

I'm again at the Pacific Coffee, this time at Terminal One's Arrival Hall. Jerusha and Raidah with me here. Me and Raidah doing Bio, Jer doing Phy. Oh well...Syikin's online, she's taking care of her little brother...

Okay...did you guys know I have another blog? Look under my "Links" section. The 1st one. That other blog, the Friendster one, is only meant for poetry and prose. So far I've put in 2 poems; there's more to come, so do visit it!

Study, Aishah, Study!!!