Yah I was thinking about this in the school canteen just now in between my Maths and Lit papers. I was feeling down...for no apparent reason. Furthermore I was in Cloud Nine yesterday because I felt that I've done my best and well enough for my own standards for the History Elective paper. But today...

Okay. At 1st I was thinking about how I just LOVE ambiguous relationships. Like, you never said you loved that person, neither has that person ever declared to you, but both of you behave as if you're the best of all couples. Because outwardly you show to each other that you don't really like the other person, but at the same time you know that display of 'contempt' is really actually is display of concern. Both of you know that. But never ever once admitted to it. To yourself nor to the other person nor to anyone else.
That's the kind of 'paradoxic' (is there such a word?) relationships that I love. So ambiguous. Even you're not sure what's your relationship with that other person. Then I realized I HATE paradoxia because I don't even feel confused as I should be due to these clashes of the same things, inversely I feel nothing at all. NOTHING. And I hate feeling nothing. It makes me feel like I'm not a human, because I don't feel anything. 'Feeling-less'. Even animals have feelings. If I don't have feelings, what am I? I don't know. So I hate paradoxia.

But I still love it.

Oh...*sigh* I dunno. Okay.

And there's the other thing about wanting but not getting. Refusing but getting. WHAT CRAP IS THAT you may ask, but I'm referring to things that glamourous, friends-loaded, attention-attracting people like you won't understand. When I want to be with someone, to get some comfort when I need it, NO ONE is ever available for me to borrow their shoulder. Even if there are people...they don't understand me. I just can't seem to be able to get them to understand my plight. Then I'll get even more distraught than before.

But when I want to be alone, I want to reflect about myself, I want to think about how much of an idiot I am, people come swarming to me. "Are you ok?", "You want me to stay with you for a while?" keeps popping up on me from these people. But I don't want them. If I really am feeling strongly upset, I'll scream at them to go away. If I'm just confused, I don't wish to chase them off, I don't dare, 'cos I know I'm younger than them, and so they sit by me. Even when I don't want it.

But DEEP inside...actually...I want them. ALL of them. To be around. As my friends. But hey...again, they don't understand, and they don't have the time.

Nevermind. I'm sitting next to a weirdo who just said she wants to go home and study Physics, and die with Physics (you guys go guess who's that person). But anyway, I'm thinking...nobody reads my blog, right? So I'm talking to myself. Like, why would anybody want to read my blog? They only come here because they want to ask/tell me stuff on the TagBoard. But I doubt ANYBODY ever read my posts. Pity. There's some really good ones, like the Shindo-sensei story...but, aiyoh, face it la, I'm a loser, nobody cares about me, and I blog to myself. No one reads it. Yah.