I CAN'T BELIEVE I CONSCIOUSLY DECIDED TO LEAVE OUT DOING AN IMPORTANT SECTION OF MY PRIMER 2!!! Oh, what have I become?? What had gotten into me??

I missed out doing the whole part about 4-elevation drawings and plan drawing of my model! Along with many other little itsy-bitsy parts of the whole project! HOW AM I GOING TO SCORE?? AM I GOING TO FAIL??!

But, as I always say, my decisions are mine to take responsibility for. So there's no one to blame but myself for being so laid-back for Primer this time round. So laid-back that I didn't have time to do almost a whole quarter of the whole Primer 2 project.

In any case...its a wonder to think how much miracles and coincidences can really happen, no matter how much you don't believe in them.

That random statement aside, today I went with Ryann, Fad and Fin to Sunshine Plaza! Oh how I miss that place! Funny thing was, the moment I got into KKnM I realised that the comics shop wasn't What!Comics anymore...KKnM itself wasn't open, so we went on to the Gundam modelling shop, car modelling shop, and...LaTendo! I saw an oh-so-kawaii 1:24 scale model of a Tachikoma there! No price taggie on it though..(is it FREE?!) I figure...if I can ever have a 1:1 replica of a tachikoma, it'll be my SUPER personal computer workspace. Fun, isn't it?

Ah..right..I'm getting very sleepy..I didn't sleep last night again to try do as much of my Primer as I could..so effectively I've been awake for 36 hours from yesterday morning up till now. So yah...oyasumi...

Tomorrow's my critique session for Primer 2, by the way. Wish me all the best!

3r²
= 3r x r
= (r + r + r) x r
= (respect + romance + responsibility) [of] relationship

therefore,
relationship = respect + romance + responsibility

Thus, my evaluation about relationships so far. Of the three, I should think respect comes 1st, followed by responsibility, then romance. This is just my thinking; don't need to critique my thoughts. I suddenly came up with this formula while on my way home this evening. But this formula is missing the most important factor of a relationship to me : Trust. But I'm lazy to sort that into the already-made formula at the moment.

I left my spectacles at Botanic Gardens just now. Haha. Had to make a cab trip back down to the Swan Lake from school almost immediately after arriving back in school from the Swan Lake, just to retrieve my specs. I'm glad I did find it where I expected it to be, at the last scene of having been seen. Then I took a cab back. I'm still wondering how goes that it costs $5 to get to BG from SP, but costs $5.50 from BG to SP. Weird...

There's in fact a whole load of things I'd like to blog about at the moment, but I'm so sorry, my mind's lazy to sort out the day's events just to type it out. The only thing I can think of right now is my dearest. Nothing else. So call me up to talk right now, the only thing I can churn my brains to talk about is Calvin. In fact I don't need my brains for that; I use my heart. Yup.

Sleepy eyes overrule my wish to blog more at the moment...I have to go now...or I'll sleep on my keyboard...I almost slept on my model (its currently a thick layer of jelly candle wax topped with a thick layer of art sand on a 7-layer plywood board) on the kitchen floor just now. Now, sleeping on the keyboard will not only mean bad body posture but typing unnecessary, senseless words onto my blog. I don't need that. So yah..byebye...

It just felt natural to me to go over to wherever he was to take care of him. Even though his fever had subsided by the time I was free to go over.

"Why?", you may ask. Why'd I bother to make a trip down to someplace I don't even know, when I've got other things to do (e.g. SUPER far-behind-schedule Primer 2 project; ICE 2) and when I could've gone out to have fun with my other pals to get birthday pressies. But it just seemed like common sense to me, so naturale, to do what I did. Even though I didn't do anything much as to really *care take*, I felt that my presence was needed. Whether it was requested for or not.

Anyway, what's wrong with wanting to see your beloved when he's ill?
In fact, whenever you want to?

So, you don't need to thank me for that, Calvin. Really. But please don't fall ill more often just for the sake of having me around. I'm *always* around.

And, the trip to the nursery and waste management plant was in fact really great, only that I had a horrible worsened stitch from Monday that continued to Tuesday and got aggravated, thus prolonging to Wednesday. I've got a feeling my ICE 2(In-Class Exercise) is going to be a screwed-up piece of work.

It's okay..at least my Primer 2 has resumed construction today. Yay!

But the class decorum thing had really made me scared out of my wits...I'm very sensitive to the feelings of those around me...and I was instantly surrounded by negative feelings the moment the e-mail was read...I got so scared...for now, I won't say anything. It still left me slightly traumatised by the high influx of negative forces flowing into my little mind, body and heart that happens to be sensitive to such things...

Keep it cool, minna-san. Like I always say, I like to see the people around me smile. So if you give even the slightest frown...I'll feel like a total loser.

Stellar's 'Shinkai no Kodoku' still makes me go all philosophical..and sooner start crying than even think about my Primer. Ever so solemn...let's all head to the Lim Chu Kang Cemetery that we passed by earlier...

I hereby announce...

MSN is *highly* addictive!!

I can't seem to tear away from MSN easily at all..argh..it's pulling me down from my Primer project!

But anyway...today I actually started off the day doing HOUSEWORK!! Wonder of all wonders! Then I skipped watching GSDestiny (huuhuu...) but I did catch small little parts like, Shinn 'killed' Kira...yup...I DON'T LIKE SHINN. Haha.

Then I rushed to meet Fad, my 'niece' and one of my dearest classmates and friend, to go Orchard Art Friend to buy Primer 2 model materials. But we paused at Taka McDonald's to eat, and Calvin came to meet us, or rather, me, there. After which came Fin, the guy who keeps getting pissed off by our bullying. Poor guy. Sorry Fin. I'm still your friend, ok? Don't be so easily pissed off, will ya? Oh ya..THEN we proceeded to Art Friend. They bought some stuffs, I didn't.

We went on to walk to Plaza S'pura to get to Spotlight. Aiyoh, that Fad ah..she's SO indecisive and undecided about what to use for her model! That's why I say..I didn't buy anything 'cos I've yet to decide...

Half-way through, Calvin had to leave us to do meet his friend. Calvin. Well, it seriously seems one-sided at the moment, our relationship. 'Cos he gives, but I don't even take. Kinda bounces off me. Haha. But I pay back for that by calling him at times to talk. I'm really sorry about this, but really, it's not that I don't like you or anything, nor do I consider you a substitute for someone I used to like but never got around to getting that guy to like me. Nor did I make a wrong decision to take you on. Just that I'm not too...responsive. Still, aishiteru yo, anata.

I'm gonna test-drive the Nokia 6030 that my dad found and passed on to me. Maybe I'll try for a few days..I doubt I'll like it 'cos I love my Sony Ericsson T290i too much. Haha. And I *finally* have a portable little folding stool! Yay! Now I can bring it around whenever I wanna go outdoor sketching! WHEE!!!

Yah. That's what I wanna blog for now and for today. Gonna start on Primer again now...good luck for Primer 2, minna-san in DLA!

I don't wanna flunk Primer 2 like I did Primer 1...no...
And you know that I know that I know that you know...
My Saturday is screwed...
The coffee is brewed...
We cannot meet...
I hope my advice you'll heed...

- + - + - + - + -

I don't wanna flunk Primer 2 like I did Primer 1...no...

So I say. I *really* shouldn't be blogging right now; I'm supposed to hand in my Primer 2 storyline today but I've yet to write it down! I wanted to use 'Who Painted the Moon Black', but decided against it as the song's got lyrics and thus is bound to confuse me. So I changed to do 'Santamaria' instead. The song's got such a great beat...I really love it!

And you know that I know that I know that you know...

Counselling people is not my thing, but sometimes the job is there and you simply decide to take it up, because your friend is in need of you for guidance, comfort. I don't like counselling through msn, nor face-to-face...the best way is always to call. The calming voice is there, so is the sincerity. But you don't have to embarrass your friend by being able to see the other's 'fountain-face'. Unless on msn you're using webcam. Haha.

My Saturday is screwed...

I really don't know what to do with my Saturday, that is, tomorrow. Screw me...

The coffee is brewed...

Coffee's gotta be the best companion for tsaying up late to do work!

We cannot meet...

Jer's been asking for me to meet her for breakfast/lunch in school, but I'm always having lectures when she's free. I've been wanting to meet up with Lyz, but still no time...

I hope my advice you'll heed...

I know you won't, but I still hope you might, and will. I really hope so.

OMG he's fast. Haha. He's already blogged it but I haven't. I'm slow. Or maybe 'cos I kinda daren't. Haha.

Okies. Oh. Haha. I *still* feel like laughing it out! Hahahahahahahaha!! Oh no I'm on a laughing fit...I can't seem to stop...hahahahahaha...hahahaha...

Haha. Heh. *Breath in, breath out*...okay. Haha. Hahaha. Oh no this blog post is getting nowhere...

OKAY. Down to business, i.e. typing this blog post. Umm...haha...I'm with Calvin! Since the last Sunday's night, that is. Well, I don't know how's this gonna work out; it's my 1st relationship. Even I don't understand what's so good about me that he likes me. I, on the other hand, certainly know that I have basis for liking him. He's practicaly and literally the kind of guy I've been dreaming to be if I were a guy. Haha. Such unexpected coincidences in life...

Hmm...focusing on school, I seriously think Primer 2 is gonna be a real big-time fun! Almost my dream project to do...conversion of music to feelings, feelings to design idea, design idea to 3D model. So cool right? Although it has to be completed in 2 weeks I'll do my best for this Primer. 'Cos its so super cool. Haha.

Ah..kk..I'm going off to record 'Jewel in the Palace' now...my mum got me to record it for her and dad 'cos they're out till late tonight to run some errands...okieokie. Best of luck for everything you do to all you guys reading this post!

Okie...its been a LONG time since I've last updated...(gawd...my workspace is DAMN cold...)

Okieokie...1st things 1st, I've completed Primer 1 for real!! Yeah..lookin' smart, feelin' dumb. That's what sums up my presentation. Nyaha. but I felt good that day. Dressin' up is always fun!!

And then, and then...I played pool for the 1st time! Ahaha. I'm still a loser at that. Nyahaha. Aha. Ha....

Next day...Syaz and I actually planned to go to Botanic Gardens on that day. But she had to go back to kampong!! So the trip was cancelled..there goes my chance of sketching 30 plants at one shot.

And then, and then...Saturday...my family celebrated Mothers' day! 'Cos on actual Mothers' Day, papa wouldn't be home, and anyways restaurants would easily be fully booked. Sho...Min-chan, Jiejie, and Abang, they 3 people, met up with oneechan 1st at the esplanade, to 'pakat' with the restaurant guys not to let my parents pay the bill at the end. Ahaha.

AND...papa bought mama a present! My whole life, papa NEVER bought mama a pressie before! What's more, its $2.5K!! Just when I was wondering what papa has been planning to do with that *so much* money in his bank account. Nyeh.

Because of that extreme price, oneechan and I aborted our plan to give our (in comparison) teeny-weeny pressie for mama. *sigh* But at least we get to see Min-chan!! AHAHAHA!!

And then, and then...next day...oh. Haha. I WOKE UP LATE TO DO HOUSEWORK!! (AGAIN!) (AS ALWAYS!) So...watch and recorded GSDestiny @ 11am. And then...iron...and then...and then what happened?? Haha. I hate myself for being late. All the time. Urgh.

I'll continue some other time. Its almost suicide to type when I'm freezing.

Bloggin' from T531.

The 1st half of Crit session for today has just ended. It's break time now...but I think I wanna do preparations for my Primer 1 presentation.

PRIMER 1 IS FINALLY OVER!!!

For the main part, that is. There's still crit session...mine's on the 3rd day(Thursday), I'm the 3rd presenter. But the day before submission day (that was yesterday), I'd attempted slogging through the night but ended up playing around msn. When I finally got around to being serious, it was nearly 4am and by 5, I fell asleep. Wakey-wakey at 6am. Surprisingly I didn't get cranky in school.

Therefore, lack of sleep. But I remained fairly energetic. Best thing was that today...

I woke up at 7.15am when I was supposed to hustle my butt outta the house by 7am!

So, a cab trip to school yet again...

And I reached well past the 15 mins grace period. Discounting being late for the P. Ubin trip, this would be the 1st time I'm late for school.

Man, I'm slowly turning into a delinquent. And hey, I realised quite a couple of my classmates are fellow dilettantes, just like me!

Nee...me feeling quite normal today, except that I've a slight headache for rushing the moment I woke up.

Not cranky...

The Primer project is really testing me...

...Faintness dulled me at 11.15pm yesterday...
...Lonliness enveloped me at 12am today...
...Hope came to me later at 12.50am...
...Pressure caught up with me at 1am...
...Dreams shattered on me at 1.10am...
...Desperation grabbed at me at 1.22am...
...Tears welled in me at 1.25am...
...Confusion spat at me at 1.40am...
...Gratefulness graced me at 1.50am...
...Sleep tugged on me at 2.30am...

I honestly thank God for granting me such generousity just when I needed it...I seriously thank a certain friend for willing to listen to me, help me, pull me out of my big-time, flushed, damp situation. Even though it was crazy to talk to someone when you're busy doing your own work and it's damn early in the morning.

Thank you so much. For being there for me.

And for the other person..thanks so much. For shoving me away. Just when I needed you.

*sigh*...I can't wait to get Primer 1 over and done with. I called Lyz just now...well I told her in detail what happened this morning. Then I realised I seem to be calling her whenever I've cried on that day..haha..and I'll report to her the who, what, when, where, why, and how I got around to crying...funny. Haha.

Vesak Day's this Friday. Public holiday. But the next day I'll be going over to Lyz's house to get her to teach me something...! I can't wait! Lyz is my dearest best friend!

Oh ya, which reminds me, I've to slot Jer's name somewhere in this post...
K. I thought I wanted to get Jer to go with me to collect my O Level cert @ TKGS this Wednesday...but she's already gotten hers...heh...lousy..can't even wait for me....

Tomorrow I'll probably be going shoe-shopping after school...my 2 pairs of high heels have long been goners...and I plan to use heels for my Primer presentation, so I've gotta get myself a new pair...

I need to shop for everyday clothes too...

And I thought I had gotten over those feelings. They came flooding back again. Will they ever go away?

In lieu of celebrating hitting my 50th blog post a few days ago, I've decided to change my blog template. I've never had a black-background blogskin before, and this one seems sweet.

Back to confusion-ism. Is this what it really is to be a teenager? Fun-filled, yet full of mysteries to discover. About life, about others, about yourself. And here I am getting more and more confused about everything around me. And about me.

But I like it. All the madness, all the rage. It keeps me occupied. Keeps me going. Keeps me confused, yet thinking.

Some people haven't been there for me. They ought to be. But they're 'busy', 'have no time'. How on earth are stable and no-misunderstanding relationships supposed to last that way? Even if we're bonded by blood?

Some people, though, I truly appreciate their existance. Whether they care if I do or not, whether they know if I do or not. I still will remain thankful for their mere company.

Then there's the thing about being alone. Sometimes I enjoy being alone, sometimes I perfectly don't mind being with a friend. As long as there's no reason for me to holler and scream in distress due to my choices, I should be fine.

What nonsense am I saying??

Oh heck. I'm happy, yet I'm upset. I'm clear of my path, yet I'm confused.

Aishah the paradox.

Yesterday broke through my personal firewall. For the 1st time in long months, I fell victim to unconditional fear. I was scared out of my wits...with not much of a basis.

1st it was the thought of having to go Pasir Ris Park again...this time at 7/8pm+. It felt wrong. Even though I knew I was going to be perfectly fine.

Then it was the train at Simei station. When approaching Simei MRT Stn from the eastward-bound train, the train on the opposite platform which also happened to be approaching started to horn. HORN. I've always been traumatized by horns of normal cars on the roads, and now the sound is coming from a TRAIN.

Following which, my companion told me about his dream, which was absolutely traumatizing yet again. I started praying to God, praying that that particular repetitious dream wouldn't come true for real. I kept silent...

Later, arriving at Downtown East, we heard a "meow". No, actually it was many, many, many, shrill "meow"s. It was a kitten, stuck in a tree. An little me, being a cat activist, was so scared for the cat, who was on its own too petrified of the height from which it stood. My heart went out to the poor kitten.

Then I started to worry about reaching home past 9, the time that I promised my mom by which I would arrive home.

And when walking along the beach, the pitch-darkness got to me. I was never afraid of darkness, but for some reason I was scared. It wasn't because of fear of the supernatural, neither of the unknown, neither of unforseen events. So I don't know why...

Maybe I was tired of being strong, yet again. Tired of standing on my own. Tired of being alone all the time. Just sick of being a 'stand-alone-complex'.

Wow...its amazing how even a human can turn deliciously golden-brown, just like french fries...I got slightly sun-bathed again yesterday when I went to Pasir Ris Park by myself to go look for this particular seed-that-looks-like-a-wooden-flower to use in my sculpture (I still have yet to identify the name of the plant from which that seed comes from, though...) and as I walked part of the length of the beach I started to worry about my skin colour again..as it is the melanin contents in Malays cause us to remain that colour once we attained it (like, once you get dark, you can't get back to the lighter skin colour you had before that), unlike the Chinese skin where they can still miraculously revert back to their original skin tone even after a sun-tan...no fair...I'm not being racist, but it simply is true...

So under the fluorescent light bulbs of my study area right now, I do look like one human-sized, nice, delicious piece of well-cooked McDonald's french fries.

Nyahaha. *Sigh*.

Actually I had wanted to ask one of my classmates to do the 3D model of our abstraction together with me today, but 2 of the people I had in mind both hadn't completed their abstraction yet...so my tasks for today only include scanning, printing, making Powerpoint Presentation, taking pictures with my digicam, uploading, planning. Yup.

Yeesh. So annoying. And just when I thought I was lagging behind at that...

Aishah is caught in a dilemma right now. She hates to go back on her words, but she can't keep them anymore. She wants to have a change, to be more flexible. How does she deal with this?

Oh, and I kick-started my digital plant library yesterday too, while at the beach. And here's my favourite picture-of-the-day:



It's so pretty, right, right? I love it! The moment I caught sight of the colourful flowers I set my mind to walk through the tall-grass patch to take a picture of the Frangipanni plant. It looks like a shrub of some kind, but is actually a tree. Just like how the Traveller's Palm is not a palm, but a tree (*so* weird! The name is Traveller's PALM!!) By the way, the famous Traveller's *Palm* that's easily found at Raffles Hotel and along Downtown East actually comes from Madagascar, thus its scientific name being Ravenala madagascariensis. So there are plants out there that have singaporiensis as their second name in scientific terms owing to it being founded in and native to Singapore. For example the Kerinting plant from the Palmae family (i.e. its a palm) has its scientific name as Rhopaloblaste singaporensis. Cool huh? Fun things we learn here as DLA students...haha...