Though confundling, its heart-rending to know that there are people who honestly care about those who care about them. Its not always a bad world out there, protagonists just need to be realised, that's all. We don't have to keep on complaining and effing everything in our lives, just because we're humans, just because we're teenagers. Sometimes..really..just stop thinking about yourself, put your soul into someone else's mind...you'll see that your life isn't too bad at all.

I'm learning to appreciate the things around me better, appreciate my life, appreciate the people I know, appreciate what I'm able to do, and also what I can't do. Not everything has to go your way, but surely there are reasons for it. Even if, given an example, you don't understand why your boyfriend leaves you for a whore who's not even pretty, and low intellect as compared to you. Maybe, for all you know, its for the better; maybe really, he doesn't deserve you at all. So why ponder, why bother, why get upset? Everything has its reasons. Its just that its not blatant all the time.

So..I wonder how everyone is doing? Primarily, my group members in designo'R, wonder if they're coping fine with Primer. And my group of good and close friends, hope they're all doing well with their lives and (if applicable) Primer as well ^^. My olde pals from sec sch, if they're having a hard time in JC or Poly...my pri sch mates, I don't even know where some of them have landed up in.

Its not always about me. Yep, I recognise that. The world doesn't revolve around me. I'm just one in the billions in the world. Who the hell am I to think I rule?? Haha.

:) It really feels good when you get something in return for what you do. And I know it feels irritating when you don't. But I realise...actually you always do get something in return. Onlt that its not in material, or its not the desired effect. But you always get something in return. Its the rule of equivilant trade.

Okay, tomorrow is Monday, back to school, back to Primer, back to life. Haah..this weekend has really been a weekend. Watch anime, sleep as required, stay up to watch the coolest shows, work on my personal projects that I've stalled for quite some time, solve problems...its been well-spent, I must say. Glad I managed to escape doing housework too! ^^

Haha. The weekend ends here. Gotta gear up for reality, baby! I've done my OC well, gotta do the same for CD (CIP) and everything else! Won't hurt to see pretty grades on my results slip, ne? ^^

Ganbate-masu, minna-san!

Okay..this is crazy, I just signed off the lst post a few minutes ago but this is important enough for me to write again.

Oh my effing shit. I can't believe I took TWO WEEKS to realise it. And I thought I always knew. What shit is that? I never did, and I never do! Who am I to overestimate myself, huh? I hate this..I hate myself for this...yes I recognise its my fault, I do wish to take responsibility...but tell me, what DO you want me to do? Change? Okay...I'll do my best..but its not me to be what I haven't been. Don't you understand? Its like I tell you to stop treating me the way you're treating me. Its the bloody same difference.

I'm not blaming you at all, I'm not mad at you, but this..I can't believe I didn't notice this earlier, and that very fact has, well, made me damn pissed off with my very own stupid dumb-ass self. What in the world can I do? In repayment of this stupidity on my part?

I've been trying to understand...but I guess I never will. I don't know if you will. Maybe. No matter how much I always argue that you are what I was, maybe, that backfires. If you are what I was, it means you're more open to things, more down-to-earth logical thinking...much more mature than what I am now. I'm sorry, I'm truly very sorry. I would have you spit at me the commandments you have in mind so that I could recover...but I highly doubt you would.

I feel like shit.

Please...could you give me the antidote to this self-destructive poison? I am literally begging you...
And do understand, I'll never have enough guts to say this to you with my own mouth. I'm so ashamed at myself. What shit...so please, really, if you read this...
I'm crying out of fear, my dearest friend.

***

Wow...its now 0522hrs. I've only just completed doing the powerpoint slides for my Oral Communications module. Did I mention, I'm presenting about the Japanese kimono? I am absolutely *very* highly satisfied with the powerpoint slides I've done. Maybe they're the best I've ever done in my whole life. Its so professional...well, to me, at least. I believe I've done justice to the beautiful treasure of Japan. I don't mind having not slept at all just to do this. I switched on the comp to start work at like..what..10pm? So its been almost 8 hours. 8 undisrupted hours of work. Never thought I could be so committed. Well, maybe the same goes to everything you do that you have a passion in. Sacrifices mean nothing in exchange for satisfaction~

SO...I still gotta iron the yukata I'm using in my presentation, iron my formal wear...bathe...I've yet to rehearse and run through the speech with accordance to the slides. Looks like I'm gonna go miss this morning's group meet-up for Primer 3 with designo'R. I wanna give a superb presentation that matches the powerpoint slides that I've made. Again, sacrifices.

School matters aside...sometimes I wonder if I know what the heck I'm doing; why and how on earth did I get to where I am. Why haven't I any aims or goals? I see no reason, no basis to go on if I have not the slightest sense of direction.

Have I lost my mind.

Oh ya, yesterday I was an hour late for PLT module lecture, and the lecturer I think is pissed off at me. She's always been a nice lady, but I might've pushed the limits too far? I dunno. This is afterall her 1st time being a lecturer; before this, all she knew was her planting world (she's a professional horticulturalist). SO...saa ne. Maybe. I really ought to do something about my constant late-coming.

Ooo...I'll be going to Bintan for the Division of Architecture freshmen trip at the end of next month! Whee! I was also very elated to know that my upper sec class is planning to hold a class gathering, teachers incl. Hope it'll work out well, hope I can go too.

Ahh..I wonder if I'll be having panda-eyes when I'm presenting later. I didn't sleep! Oh well. Gtg. Iron.

I realise its been more than a week since I last blogged. Haha.

I also realise this is the 1st time I'm not changing the template for the month. Ahahaha.

I'm damn sleepy, tired, upset, dizzy. Confused. Elated. Defused. Excited.

Dammit. I hate myself for this. Hate it.

Yesterday, weird lucky day. Bad things 1st, followed by good things. 1st I woke up late, yet to iron, yet to bathe, but had to print out all my research materials for OC presentation writing test. Rushed like crazy, but managed to complete printing all I required.

Was 45 mins late for OC, but managed to finish my test punctually. Wasn't chided for being late. Happy with what work I produced.

Thought I'd pissed Ryann off bad, but was later forgiven.

Thought I'd be starving the whole day, but managed to get some food via ez-link card.

Thought I'd never be able to photocopy my 4 pages for my personal project (I only had 20 cents but everywhere only accepted 10 cents per page), but 2 nice uncles at a certain photocopying shop offered to take whatever money I had even though it meant under-charging.

A whole day of twists. Made me appreciate my life better.

Today...went for the Triple Bill plays at Esplanade with Ryann and Raidah to watch Jerusha. Ended up, Maryam and Nadia and Elia were performing too! TKGians rule the stage! It was great, especially 'The Guys' staged by ACJC. 'No Easy Answers' by TJC shocked me; it was a parallel to my current life situation. SP's 'The Sandbox' was too short and in my personal opinion a litlle too shallow. Oh wells, enjoyed the whole thing anyways.

Aitai...I'm missing my anata so much~
He'll be back in 2 nights' time, no worries..he'll return...hopefully in one piece. His competition is tomorrow, so good luck ne? Ganbatte masu!

I've just uploaded more anime songs into my phone. Man...N70 is just way too superb. First its the camera and picture quality. Then its the mp3 and mp4 capability. The best part...the gallery organisation style is so sophisticated. Even Calvin's sensei commented on it. Cool to the core.

I think I'm gonna start posting *all* my personal poems into Bakatachi's Alcove (my Friendster literature blog) soon...that way I don't need to brag to people about my poetry-writing and then realise I don't have the proof with me XD They're all currently in my little Muji poems book. Soon, soon...Primer 3 comes 1st.

I pity Calvin sometimes...I've been pushing our relationship aside for work a little too much...we haven't gone out together for eons, and have yet to celebrate our 2nd 'monversary' (2nd month anniversary). I'll have to compensate for that once he returns. Aitai~

I want a furisode...and when I get married I want to be dressed in an uchikake...I want to own a vintage obi collection...sigh. My OC research has made me long for all these things that I can't possibly ever glance at, let alone grasp. Hopes after hopes...

Most importantly, right now in my mind; Come back soon, anata. I can't wait to see you again...

Haha. Apparently I abandoned my blog. I've been wanting to blog la...but simply couldn't find time. So busy so busy; Primer 3 has been fun although taking up my time. I really enjoy working with my group mates. They're such great people in their own ways.

Last weekend was my KL trip with DLA. Almost the whole Dipl. in Landscape Arch. coursemates went for the trip, save only a handful. So you can imagine the fun, about 120 students from Yr 1-Yr 3 together. It was Kuala Lumpur because of the International Laman Landscape Exhibition. A study trip, yes, but full of side-tracks and loads of fun; it really was more of a simple weekend holiday get-away for DLA. So so many places to see, I mean, this was the 1st overseas trip I had in 4 years. So even though it was only Malaysia, I still indulged myself in holiday spirit. The hotel, OMG, they(the lecturers) weren't kidding when they said it would be a 5-star hotel. Seriously good. The Crown Princess hotel is the 1st to make me have a real relaxed and comfortable bath. And I shared my room with Hui Qi. I'd never thought I could be friends with her; my 1st impression of this classmate of mine was that she's downright *scary*. As in, she's fierce, has a strong personality, and what more do you need to deter from such a character. But she was nice :) Although I've to apologise to her for making her freaked out by the scary stuff I saw on the hotel room floor.

Ahh..of course many other things has happened since my last post. And how could I forget: my sister's graduation ceremony.

Hmm...today Calvin will be flying off to Korea for his competition. One week. Sounds like my own trip there 4 years ago, also lasted a week, also for a competition. Well, hope he'll gain from his experience there; to me, competitions aren't really for you to display your prowess, but more so to learn from your fellow competitors. Have fun in the midst of the sweat and tears. Indulge in the moment. AND...recount it to me. Haha. I love recounts. Especially if I can relate to it somehow. Even if I can't I still would listen intently to recounts. Its a form of reliving the moments, instead of just taking pictures or bringing home souveneirs. (Which reminds me, I didn't bring home anything much of a souveneir from M'sia ^^;)

I intend to start on a personal project soon. You know, my standard once-in-a-while handicrafts stuffs. I'm kinda in the mood for it. At the same time its almost time to give someone a gift.

Oh ya, my feet used to be neutral to my pretty, white pair of high heel shoes. Or maybe even liked it. But now they seem to be saying "I hate you" everytime I put them on, even for just a few minutes. Sad...and, as I'm typing this post with only my left hand, I confirm that my ear infection is acting up again. Hurts badly. Oww~

And I'll miss you, darling.

Ahaha..my 1st post for the month of July 2006. An accomplishment to celebrate along with a new start of school term, (soon-to-be) new blogskin, and new resolutions, I've just finished reading 'The DaVinci Code' that I borrowed from Ryann-kun eons ago!! FINALLY!! :)

I had a fairly high fever this morning; good thing no one noticed anything at all...sometimes I really want to be rid of the attention that one receives when one is sick (this is coming from someone who is almost constantly ill)...fever died down by afternoon, so I guess I'm okay...

Model-making starts tomorrow...hope everything will turn out fine. I have faith in Michele's leadership, of course, provided that we as her group members support and follow her all the way. I refuse to believe that we'll be handing in nonsense as a final product. Not with the zest designo'R has ;)

Mmn...school's been fun so far. Yes, I say so again. But its a fact; look at things positively, and you'll enjoy it, otherwise you'll get a reverse effect. I really do enjoy being back on the rush of projects, even more so now that its group work, I've to be more selfless and share the load.

Damn I'm too sleepy and dead-beat now to type more...guess I gotta make this a substantially short post. Oh, and before I forget, just one last thing to add: Abstinence may seem to make you crave for more, but search deep, search well, abstinence is a form of lesson of appreciation for what you lack and once took for granted. My decisions took Calvin away from me, but it makes me realise even more so the purpose he has in my life, the purpose of being in this web in the first place, the reason I chose such a person as mine to look after. And realise that I haven't been treating him well enough. So sorry my dear, gotta work on that...see, I'm Aluminium and you're Oxygen; What do you get? (I have absolutely NO IDEA why I'm in a Chemistry mood today..haha)

Gotta go..getting cranky..too sleepy...