Okay..this is crazy, I just signed off the lst post a few minutes ago but this is important enough for me to write again.

Oh my effing shit. I can't believe I took TWO WEEKS to realise it. And I thought I always knew. What shit is that? I never did, and I never do! Who am I to overestimate myself, huh? I hate this..I hate myself for this...yes I recognise its my fault, I do wish to take responsibility...but tell me, what DO you want me to do? Change? Okay...I'll do my best..but its not me to be what I haven't been. Don't you understand? Its like I tell you to stop treating me the way you're treating me. Its the bloody same difference.

I'm not blaming you at all, I'm not mad at you, but this..I can't believe I didn't notice this earlier, and that very fact has, well, made me damn pissed off with my very own stupid dumb-ass self. What in the world can I do? In repayment of this stupidity on my part?

I've been trying to understand...but I guess I never will. I don't know if you will. Maybe. No matter how much I always argue that you are what I was, maybe, that backfires. If you are what I was, it means you're more open to things, more down-to-earth logical thinking...much more mature than what I am now. I'm sorry, I'm truly very sorry. I would have you spit at me the commandments you have in mind so that I could recover...but I highly doubt you would.

I feel like shit.

Please...could you give me the antidote to this self-destructive poison? I am literally begging you...
And do understand, I'll never have enough guts to say this to you with my own mouth. I'm so ashamed at myself. What shit...so please, really, if you read this...
I'm crying out of fear, my dearest friend.

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