I know I told you not to worry, even in my final call before you left for Brunei, but there remain causes to worry over, whether you worry or not. At least I'm worried. Why do I seem to be stuck in a time bomb when it comes to the matter of my kidneys? Why is there no cure? Why am I restricted as to the kind of activities I would love to do? Why is End Stage Renal Failure a definite imminent future for me? Even without you around, I worry myself sick over this matter. I want to be healthy for you, but in these moments of helpless hopelessness, I understand why you say that you will always think of me as 'the sickly Aishah' instead of 'the loving girlfriend', 'the one who gave me an iPod Touch twice' or even 'the one I broke up with once before'.

If dying and coming back to life in a clean healthy state is possible, like in games where you could reset skill points, I would do it for you. I really would.

I needed an outlet for my crazy-suffocating-blinding emotional pain, then I remembered that I have a blog. THANK GOODNESS. I can't frikkin' type everything into a Facebook status, can I?

Well now, what do you do when your boyfriend doesn't know/understand that his body language with another girl is showing just one thing: Intimacy?

Next, how do you react when he tells you that he needs that girl as a replacement to a part of you that you have left behind when you gradually changed (for him)?

Lastly, what do you do when he tells you, after hearing you out, that he doesn't know what to do?

And then, not to his choice, the nation conveniently has him going back into military school for a good 2 weeks.


F*** I'm really on the verge of swearing.

I haven't cried in a long while. I cried today. Why does he lie? Its so obvious from his smses and behaviour that he's still angry with me, why does he say he isn't? Why does he not want to talk to me about the problem that surfaced 2 days ago? How long am I supposed to wait? I can wait, but if he loves me won't he consider that he won't want me to be worried over anything on my first day of work tomorrow? Why is he doing this? Why can't we just meet and talk.

I am not perfect. I'm not even good. You can't expect me to be psychic or all-knowing, and "act accordingly" when the relationship goes into limbo when you're acting like that. There is no guidebook that I can follow, nor are you leaving me any hints on what I could do next to pamper you. And don't tell me to think about it on my own; a relationship is that: relation. We need to work together to work this out, not me on my own trying to work us out. And I'm leaving openings everywhere to let/make that happen, to have us communicate but its like me making calls that lead to a pre-recorded voice message. You're not responding. You don't even want to receive. I can't work us out on my own. I can't.

And I was reading my past posts. If you ever read this, nata, read this one too: April 2007 336 days Because I still feel this way for you.